Our attachment styles are like a map we didn’t know we were following—guiding how we seek connection, avoid hurt, or protect ourselves when things get tough. These patterns, rooted in early experiences, affect how we show up in relationships of all kinds. Learning about them can be a relief, offering clarity on why you or your partner may react in familiar, but sometimes puzzling, ways.
There are four main attachment styles:
Secure
Anxious (Preoccupied)
Avoidant (Dismissive)
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)
Here’s a guide to help you recognize yourself (and maybe your partner) in these patterns, understand how they might feel on the inside, and learn ways to navigate them in a healthier, more connected way.
Secure Attachment: The Ideal We’re All Working Toward
How It Feels Inside: If you’re secure, relationships feel like a safe haven. You know you’re worthy of love and capable of connection, and you trust others to meet your needs most of the time. When things go wrong, you can discuss it and expect things to improve. You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
Stress and Conflict: In a fight, you’re able to listen and share what’s bothering you without making it a huge deal. You might say, “I felt hurt when you didn’t check in about dinner plans. Next time, can we touch base earlier?”
How You Soothe: You use healthy ways to calm yourself—like journaling, taking a walk, or calling a friend. You believe the conflict will pass and the relationship is still secure.
For Partners: Being with someone secure often feels steady and dependable. They’re the ones who say, “We’ll figure this out,” and actually mean it.
If You’re Not Secure Yet: You can grow toward security. Start by learning to self-soothe and reminding yourself that your feelings matter, even if they aren’t always “perfect.” Look for relationships where you can practice asking for what you need and trust the other person to meet you halfway.
Anxious Attachment: When You Fear Losing Connection
How It Feels Inside: With an anxious style, relationships can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. You crave closeness but worry it could disappear at any moment. A partner not texting back for a few hours might spiral into thoughts like, “Do they care about me? Did I do something wrong?”
Stress and Conflict: In conflict, you might get reactive or need a lot of reassurance, because the fear of losing connection feels so big. Maybe you start texting repeatedly, needing reassurance: “Do you still love me? Are we okay?”
How You Soothe: Self-soothing can be challenging because your instinct is to look to others for validation. But you can start small. When you feel the panic creeping in, try saying to yourself, “This feeling is valid, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is ending.” Journaling or writing a letter you never send can help process the overwhelming emotions.
For Partners: Being with someone anxious can feel intense. They may need a lot of reassurance, like hearing, “I love you, I’m here for you, and we’ll get through this together.” But if you’re inconsistent, they might start to spiral in ways that are deeply distressing for them.
If You’re Anxious: You can work on balancing closeness with healthy independence. Practice reminding yourself that your partner’s love isn’t conditional on you being perfect. Over time, this can help you build trust—both in the relationship and in yourself.
Avoidant Attachment: When Independence Feels Safer Than Closeness
How It Feels Inside: If you lean avoidant, relationships can feel like they ask too much. You value independence, and vulnerability may feel uncomfortable or even unsafe. You might think, “I’m fine on my own; I don’t really need anyone.”
Stress and Conflict: In conflict, your first reaction might be to pull back—physically or emotionally. For example, if your partner is upset, you might think, “Why are they so dramatic?” and shut down or leave the room. This isn’t because you don’t care; it’s your way of managing the discomfort.
How You Soothe: Avoidant people often turn to distractions like work, exercise, or scrolling on their phone. To grow, try staying present just a little longer. Start with baby steps, like saying, “I need 10 minutes to think, but I want to come back to this.”
For Partners: Being with someone avoidant can feel lonely. They might seem emotionally distant, and you might wonder, “Do they even care?” The key is giving them space while encouraging small moments of connection, like a short text or a hug after an argument.
If You’re Avoidant: Start noticing when you feel the urge to withdraw. Ask yourself, “What would happen if I stayed just a little longer?” You don’t have to go from zero to 100 on emotional intimacy—small, consistent efforts go a long way.
Disorganized Attachment: The Push-Pull of Connection and Fear
How It Feels Inside: Disorganized attachment can feel like living with two opposite voices in your head. One says, “Get close! You need them!” while the other shouts, “Don’t trust them; they’ll hurt you!” This often comes from early relationships where love and safety were inconsistent.
Stress and Conflict: Stress can bring out extremes. You might crave reassurance but also push your partner away. For instance, during a fight, you might say something like, “I need you!” one moment and, “Leave me alone!” the next. It can feel chaotic, even to you.
How You Soothe: Self-soothing is a challenge because of these mixed messages. Therapy is often crucial for healing disorganized attachment, but you can start by practicing safety in small ways. Maybe it’s repeating a mantra like, “I am safe in this moment,” or focusing on deep, steady breathing when you feel overwhelmed.
For Partners: Disorganized attachment can feel like a storm of emotions. One moment your partner might cling to you, and the next they seem to push you away. Consistency and patience are key. Try saying, “I’m here, and I’m not leaving. Let’s take this one step at a time.”
If You’re Disorganized: This style often stems from still-tender trauma that might need processing, so healing takes time. Start by noticing when you feel triggered and practicing grounding techniques. Therapy can help you untangle those old patterns and build trust—both with yourself and others.
Navigating Attachment Styles in Relationships
Here’s the truth: every relationship will have challenges, no matter your attachment style. But understanding your patterns and those of your partner can create so much more compassion and connection.
For example, if you’re anxious and your partner is avoidant, you can agree to meet halfway. Maybe they’ll work on sending a daily “thinking of you” text, and you’ll work on giving them some space when they need it.
If you’re secure, you can be a steady anchor for your partner while encouraging them to grow. And if you’re disorganized, learning to create safety for yourself is a gift… not just to you, but to every relationship you’re in.
Practical Strategies for All Attachment Styles
Create Rituals of Connection: A five-minute check-in at the end of each day can help anxious partners feel reassured, avoidant partners feel less overwhelmed, and disorganized partners feel more grounded.
Use “I” Statements: Instead of “You never listen!” try, “I feel unheard when I share something important.”
Practice Self-Regulation: Whether it’s a walk, journaling, or deep breathing, find ways to calm your nervous system before reacting to tension. The Gottmans suggest 20 minutes to decrease the flooding that conflict can bring up.
Name What’s Happening: Simply saying, “I think my anxious/avoidant side is showing up right now,” can take the sting out of conflict and invite curiosity instead of blame.
At their best, relationships aren’t about being perfect, but about being real. When you approach them with openness and a willingness to learn, even the hard parts can become opportunities to build something meaningful and lasting. For those interested in delving deeper into attachment styles and their impact on relationships, the following books are highly recommended:
Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin. This book offers insights into how understanding your partner's brain can enhance relationship dynamics.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This work explores how attachment theory applies to adult relationships, providing practical advice for building stronger connections.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support in processing your own experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC (VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us www.connectedresilience.us
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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