Relationships often fall into familiar patterns, especially under stress. One common dynamic is one partner withdrawing while the other moves closer, seeking connection or resolution. Over time, this pattern can feel like a loop you can’t escape: one partner feels abandoned or dismissed and the other feels overwhelmed or criticized.
It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. And it’s also common.
But common doesn’t mean hopeless. By understanding why these patterns happen and taking small, actionable steps, couples can interrupt these cycles and create more connection, even in moments of conflict.
What These Dynamics Look Like
You notice your partner seems distant, so you ask, “What’s wrong?” They say, “Nothing, I’m fine,” but their tone feels off. You press further, trying to get to the bottom of it. They brush you off or retreat to another room. Now you’re frustrated—not just because something seems wrong, but because they won’t let you in.
Or maybe it’s the reverse. Your partner brings up something that’s bothering them, and you feel caught off guard. They seem upset, and you’re not sure what to say or do to make it better. Feeling overwhelmed, you shut down or step away. The more they press, the more you pull back.
Sound familiar? These moments often escalate because both partners are trying to protect themselves—one by seeking closeness, the other by creating distance. The result is a cycle where neither feels understood, leaving both disconnected.
Why These Patterns Happen
At their core, these patterns are driven by each partner’s attempts to feel safe:
The Pursuer feels safety in closeness. When they sense disconnection, they move toward their partner, seeking reassurance through communication or action.
The Withdrawer feels safety in space. When conflict arises, they step back to protect themselves or prevent making things worse.
These instincts often come from past experiences, attachment styles, or even how we learned to handle stress as kids. Unfortunately, the strategies that feel natural to each person can have the opposite effect on their partner: closeness feels smothering to the Withdrawer, and distance feels rejecting to the Pursuer.
The good news? With awareness and small shifts in behavior, these patterns can change.
What to Do About It
If you recognize yourself (or your relationship) in this dynamic, here are concrete actions you can take:
1. Pause and Reflect on What’s Happening
When you feel the urge to press harder or pull away, pause. Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now? (e.g., frustration, fear of rejection, overwhelm)
What do I want in this moment? (e.g., understanding, reassurance, space to process)
2. Name the Pattern Together
Talking openly about the pattern—outside of a heated moment—can help both partners feel less defensive. For example:
“I’ve noticed that when I get upset, I try to talk about it right away, and it seems like that makes you feel overwhelmed.”
“Sometimes when you’re upset, I step back because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but I realize that makes you feel like I don’t care.”
3. Set Clear “Repair” Plans
In moments of tension, it’s easy to spiral into misunderstandings. A repair plan gives both partners tools to de-escalate and reconnect:
For the Pursuer:
If your partner needs space, agree on a specific time to revisit the conversation. For example, “Let’s take a break and check in about this after dinner.” This reassures you that the issue isn’t being ignored.
Practice grounding techniques (e.g., deep breathing or journaling) to calm the urgency to fix things immediately.
For the Withdrawer:
Instead of shutting down completely, communicate your need for space. For example, “I need a few minutes to think about this before I respond.”
Take active steps to re-engage after a break, even if it’s just saying, “Okay, I’m ready to talk now.”
4. Use “I” Statements Instead of Blame
Blame puts your partner on the defensive. Instead, focus on expressing your feelings and needs, to invite collaboration instead of conflict.
Instead of “You never listen to me!” try: “I feel really unheard when I’m talking, and I’d love for us to figure out how to connect better.”
Instead of “Why do you always shut down?” try: “I feel anxious when we don’t talk things through, and I want to understand what you need in those moments.”
5. Create Positive Moments of Connection
When conflict becomes the primary mode of interaction, both partners can feel drained. Intentionally adding small, positive moments of connection can restore goodwill:
Send a thoughtful text during the day.
Share something you appreciate about your partner.
Take a walk together or do a simple activity you both enjoy.
Patience and Practice
Changing relational patterns doesn’t happen overnight. It requires patience—with your partner and with yourself. There will be moments when you fall back into old habits, but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. Every small step toward understanding and connection is progress.
Remember, these dynamics don’t define your relationship—they’re just one part of it. With intention, effort, and compassion, the goal is to move from frustration to collaboration, turning disconnection into deeper understanding.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support in processing your own experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC (VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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