All the holiday ads confirm the pressure we already feel inside: This season is supposed to be about joy, togetherness, and celebration. We're expected to light up with festive cheer, make beautiful memories, and bask in the warmth of tradition. But what happens when that expectation feels out of reach?
What if the person who should be there… isn’t?
For those grieving a loss, holidays can turn into a sharp reminder of what’s missing. Whether it’s been 10 days or 10 years since you lost your person, the holidays have a way of making the pain feel fresh again, like reopening a wound that had been somewhat healed. Traditions that used to be delightful rituals can feel like sucker punches, driving the emptiness home.
If you're reading this and nodding along, you’re not alone. There are real reasons why grief can feel especially brutal during this time of year:
Why Do Holidays Make Grief More Intense?
1. The Expectation of Joy:
The holidays are branded as a time of happiness and connection. This external pressure can create an internal storm for those dealing with grief. It might feel like you’re doing the holidays “wrong” if you aren’t happy or excited, like you’re somehow failing. But let’s be clear: there is no wrong way to move through grief, and there is certainly no required way to do the holidays. If you’re sad, that’s your truth for now. You aren’t failing—you’re feeling.
2. Traditions Bring Memories:
Holiday traditions are often steeped in memories of past years and family moments. While these can bring comfort, they can also trigger intense grief. The sight of your family’s special holiday dish or hearing your loved one’s favorite song can turn into a sharp reminder of their absence. The rituals that once brought joy might now feel like painful reminders of what’s lost.
3. Social Pressure:
There’s also the pressure to show up—attend parties, be social, keep up appearances. But sometimes, the very idea of being around others who seem happy can feel unbearable. While it’s okay to bow out and stay home watching Netflix in your PJs, the pressure to join in can make it feel like you’re breaking some unspoken rule. But here’s the thing: You have permission to prioritize your well-being and do what feels best for you.
So, What Can You Do to Help Yourself Navigate Grief During the Holidays?
1. Communication with Safe People:
The idea of “safe” people is key here. It’s okay to express your feelings with those you trust—those who won’t judge you for needing space or for not feeling up to holiday cheer. You can say, “I don’t think I can do the big party this year,” or “I still want to be involved, but I’m not going to pretend I’m okay.” Open conversations can help take the pressure off, and you might find relief in speaking your truth. However, not everyone deserves your vulnerability. If you know someone won’t understand, it’s perfectly okay to keep your boundaries firm and simple without explanation. It’s your grief and your process.
2. Modify Traditions:
Feel like a certain holiday tradition is too much to bear this year? Give yourself permission to change things up. Maybe this is the year you skip pulling out the family heirloom dishes that hold too many memories, or you listen to different music because the usual playlist cuts too deep. You can start new traditions or adjust old ones to meet you where you are. You have the freedom to celebrate (or not celebrate) in ways that honor where your heart is this season. It’s okay to do less, or do things differently.
3. Practice Self-Care—On Your Terms:
During grief, the concept of self-care can be a lifeline. What nurtures your soul might look different this season, and that’s okay. It could be as simple as making playlists that match your mood—whether you need something to uplift you or something that resonates with your sadness. Maybe self-care is a quiet day at home in your coziest blanket, or taking a long walk with your dog. Grief takes energy, and taking care of yourself can help restore some balance. That might mean sleeping in, nourishing your body with food, or giving yourself permission to do nothing when everything feels too overwhelming. Here is a link to specific ways to do "deeper" self-care.
4. Lean on Support Groups:
Support groups can be a powerful way to connect with others who get it. The world might be buzzing with holiday excitement, but in a grief support group, you’ll find people who understand that the holidays are anything but joyful when you're grieving. It’s a place to be raw, real, and accepted in your emotions. No one will expect you to pretend. It’s a space where your grief is not only welcome but seen and held in community.
5. Honoring Your Loved One:
Sometimes, channeling grief into an intentional act of remembrance can offer some comfort. You could light a candle, set up a special space in your home with photos and memories, or write a letter to your loved one. Doing something tangible to honor their memory can help you feel more connected to them, even in their absence. It’s a way of acknowledging their presence in your heart, even though they are no longer physically with you.
6. Creativity as Expression:
Grief is chaotic, confusing, and deeply personal. Sometimes, words can’t quite capture the intensity of what you're feeling, but creative outlets might help. Whether it’s journaling, drawing, painting, or even playing music, allowing yourself to express your feelings creatively can be healing. It doesn’t need to be polished or perfect—just authentic. You might find that expressing your grief through art or music brings a different kind of relief than talking does.
Everyone’s Grief Journey is Unique
One of the most important things to remember is that grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn’t look the same for everyone. The holidays can amplify the ache of loss, but it’s okay to let yourself feel what you’re feeling. Whether your grief is from the loss of a loved one or the end of a relationship, it’s valid. You don’t owe anyone holiday cheer.
It’s okay to opt out of the celebrations that feel too heavy. It’s okay to cry, to miss them, to long for their presence. And it’s also okay if some moments feel unexpectedly joyful. Grief is unpredictable, and there is no “right” way to navigate it.
As you move through this holiday season, be gentle with yourself. Allow your emotions to unfold naturally, at your pace. Lean into the support of those who love and understand you, and give yourself permission to grieve in the ways that feel right for you.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support in processing your own experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC(VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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