No matter how much you love your partner, emotional moments can feel like a hijack of your body and mind. These intense episodes lead to saying or doing things that don’t align with the "normal" you—leaving you and your partner both hurt and confused.
In relationships, understanding Diffuse Physiological Arousal (DPA), often referred to as "flooding," is essential. Without tools to manage it, this flooding can feel like you’re drowning in your own emotions, preventing you from connecting and communicating in healthy ways.
What is Flooding?
Imagine a disagreement with your partner escalating quickly. Suddenly, one of you is overwhelmed with intense emotions—your heart races, palms sweat, and thoughts spiral out of control. Maybe you start shouting, withdrawing, or saying things you later regret. This is what we call "flooding."
Flooding happens when your emotions overwhelm your senses, triggering the brain’s fight-or-flight response. The amygdala, often called the “emotional center” of the brain, becomes overactive. I often describe it as your amygdala being "on fire."
During these moments, you’re not your rational, grounded self. The body's survival instincts take over, and it becomes almost impossible to have clear communication. Flooding can make it hard to engage in calm conversations, leading to misunderstandings and deep emotional disconnection.
Understanding Diffuse Physiological Arousal
DPA is the body’s automatic response to emotional intensity. It includes a racing heart, rapid breathing, muscle tension, and a release of stress hormones—all classic signs of your nervous system shifting into high gear.
Yes, your partner isn’t a tiger. But in a tense moment, your body can’t always tell the difference.
For couples, knowing when you’re both in this heightened state is key to avoiding destructive communication patterns. If both of you are flooded, it’s like trying to have a meaningful conversation in the middle of a fire—nothing gets resolved, and both partners often end up hurt.
Recognizing the Signs of Flooding
One of the most empowering steps you can take as a couple is to recognize the physical signs of flooding in yourself and your partner. Each person’s signs are unique, but common indicators might include:
Heart pounding
Rapid breathing
Feeling tightness in the chest or throat
Feeling hot, dizzy, or light-headed
Racing, chaotic thoughts
Urges to yell or retreat
By identifying these signs early, you can acknowledge that you’re in a heightened state and take action to de-escalate before saying or doing something damaging.
Strategies to Manage Flooding
Here’s the good news: flooding doesn’t have to derail your relationship. By practicing emotional awareness and learning to soothe your nervous system, you can transform these intense moments into opportunities for growth and connection. Here are some strategies that I work on with clients in therapy:
1. Develop Emotional Awareness Together
The first step is learning to regularly check in with yourself. Are you approaching the point of emotional flooding? It can be incredibly helpful for both partners to communicate their internal state before things boil over. For example:
"I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now."
"I notice my thoughts are getting fast, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret."
These statements help defuse tension, prevent escalation, and open the door to compassion rather than confrontation. Developing this emotional vocabulary, even in everyday, non-conflict situations, creates a habit of connection before things go south.
2. Practice Self-Soothing Techniques
Everyone calms down differently, so it’s important to experiment with what works best for you. Some people find that deep breathing exercises or progressive muscle relaxation helps slow their heart rate and reduce tension. Others benefit from more physical distractions like:
Going for a walk or run
Listening to calming music
Using humor to diffuse tension
Engaging in a simple, soothing activity like gardening or even watching a favorite TV show
Encouraging your partner to practice their own soothing techniques—and supporting them in doing so—builds trust. You’re working together, not against each other.
3. Agree on a Time-Out System
Time-outs can be a game-changer in diffusing emotional flooding. But it’s important to approach time-outs with a sense of mutual respect and collaboration.
Create a system together. Agree on a signal or word that indicates a need for a break when emotions start rising. For example, you might say, “I need to step away, but I’ll be back in 20 minutes, and we can talk then.” This reassures your partner that you're not abandoning the conversation but instead taking time to cool down and return with a clearer mind.
The key is setting a specific time to revisit the issue so it doesn’t feel like avoidance. The recommended amount of time to cool down is usually around 20 minutes—just enough time for the nervous system to calm.
4. Use “I” Statements
In the heat of conflict, it’s easy to point fingers and assign blame, but this only leads to more flooding. Instead, using “I” statements can help you express your feelings without triggering defensiveness in your partner.
For example:
“I’m feeling really anxious about our upcoming trip” sounds much less accusatory than “You’re making me stressed about everything!”
This shift in communication helps maintain a sense of safety and empathy during discussions, reducing the chances of emotional escalation.
Reconnecting After Flooding
Once you’ve both had time to calm down, returning to the conversation with empathy is essential. Apologize for any hurtful words, and discuss what led to the flooding so you can understand each other better in future conflicts.
If you notice recurring flooding in your relationship, working with a therapist can provide deeper tools for de-escalation. A professional can guide you in identifying triggers and developing personalized strategies for maintaining emotional regulation.
Flooding is Natural—And You Can Overcome It Together
Flooding and emotional overwhelm are common in relationships. They don’t mean your relationship is broken, nor do they define your connection. By recognizing these patterns, developing emotional awareness, and creating de-escalation strategies, you can transform moments of flooding into opportunities for healing and growth.
You’re not alone in this—every couple experiences emotional hijacks at times. But with patience, practice, and support, you and your partner can navigate these intense moments with more compassion and connection.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support in processing your own experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC(VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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