When we feel disconnected from someone we love, it can trigger something deep and primal within us. For some, this can look like reaching out urgently—calling, texting, or seeking reassurance. For others, it can show up as anger, criticism, or even shutting down entirely. These are what we often call protest behaviors, and while they can sometimes be misunderstood as “toxic” or reactive, they’re actually very human attempts to restore connection.
Protest behaviors happen when our nervous systems sense a threat to our emotional safety. Maybe your partner pulls away during an argument, and you feel a surge of panic. Or maybe you feel unseen or unimportant, and that ache transforms into frustration or blame. Beneath these behaviors, there’s usually a simple, vulnerable truth: “I’m scared of losing you,” or “I need to know I matter to you.”
These reactions, though understandable, can create painful cycles. The person expressing protest behaviors may feel like they’re shouting into the void, while the person on the receiving end may feel overwhelmed or unsure how to respond. The good news is that when we can understand what’s driving these responses—on both sides—it’s possible to move toward compassion and connection.
What’s Beneath Protest Behaviors?
At their core, protest behaviors are survival strategies. Just like our bodies react to physical danger with fight, flight, or freeze, our nervous systems respond to relational danger—like disconnection or rejection—in protective ways. Protest behaviors are often an attempt to close the gap and regain a sense of safety, even if they don’t always come across that way.
For the person engaging in protest behaviors, the need for connection can feel urgent, even overwhelming. It’s the deep human need to be seen, valued, and reassured. Maybe you find yourself sending multiple texts, hoping for a response that will calm the ache. Maybe you lash out, feeling that anger is the only way to get your partner’s attention. Or maybe you withdraw completely, hoping they’ll notice your absence and reach out. Whatever the behavior, it’s rarely about causing harm—it’s about saying, “I need you,” even if the words come out differently.
For the person on the receiving end, these behaviors can feel confusing, frustrating, or even triggering. It’s hard to stay calm and present when it feels like demands or accusations are flying at you, and the instinct to shut down or push back can be strong.
But when we look at what’s beneath the behavior, it’s often not anger or blame—it’s fear and longing.
Protest Behaviors Are Not the Silent Treatment
It’s important to draw a distinction between protest behaviors and the silent treatment. While protest behaviors are about trying to reconnect, even if clumsily, the silent treatment is often a withdrawal meant to punish or control. That said, there are times when taking space looks like silence, and it’s not about punishment—it’s about calming down and finding clarity.
If you’re someone who needs to take space during conflict, it’s important to communicate that to your partner so it doesn’t feel like abandonment. A simple, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need 20 minutes to cool down. I’ll come back so we can talk” can make a world of difference. This lets your partner know the disconnection is temporary and not a rejection of them.
Why Protest Behaviors Deserve Compassion
If you’ve ever found yourself in a spiral of protest behaviors—calling multiple times, saying something dramatic, or shutting down entirely—it’s important to recognize that these reactions aren’t “bad.” They’re human. They reflect a deep desire for connection and safety, even if they show up in ways that are messy or intense.
Similarly, if you’ve been on the receiving end of protest behaviors, it’s worth remembering that they aren’t usually about blaming or attacking you. They’re about fear, and underneath that fear is a longing to be close.
The goal isn’t to avoid protest behaviors altogether—after all, they’re often a sign of how much we care. Instead, it’s about learning how to express those underlying needs in ways that build connection instead of creating distance.
How to Break the Cycle
For the person engaging in protest behaviors, pausing to ask yourself, “What am I really needing right now?” can be a powerful first step. Are you seeking reassurance? Acknowledgment? Comfort? Once you know what’s driving your reaction, you can try to communicate it in a calmer, more vulnerable way. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you might try, “I’m feeling scared that I don’t matter to you right now.”
For the person on the receiving end, it can help to take a breath and remind yourself that your partner’s protest behaviors aren’t about blaming you—they’re about their own fear or hurt. If you’re able to offer reassurance, you might say something like, “I see that you’re hurting, and I want to understand what’s going on.” This doesn’t mean ignoring your own boundaries, but it can soften the intensity of the moment.
Together, you can work on creating patterns that feel safer for both of you. Maybe that means agreeing to check in after a fight instead of leaving things unresolved. Maybe it means creating a ritual of connection, like a weekly conversation where you both share how you’re feeling. These small acts of repair can build trust over time.
Protest behaviors are not about being dramatic or difficult—they’re about being human. When we can see them for what they really are—expressions of longing and fear—they become an opportunity for connection rather than conflict. Both partners have a role to play in breaking the cycle, but the work doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s enough to start with compassion—for yourself and for each other—and take it one small step at a time.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC(VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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