Figuring out who you are and what you believe in can be a profound and empowering endeavor. But the process often becomes especially complex and emotionally fraught when you’ve grown up in a high-control religious environment. Many individuals recovering from religious trauma wrestle with questions about their true identity and beliefs, feeling untethered without the strict institutional guidance they once relied on. Outside of those rules—like what music to listen to or what clothes to wear—decisions that may seem “simple” to others can become overwhelming.
This disorientation isn't just a superficial change; it’s a fundamental shift in how you perceive yourself and the world. There’s a deep unraveling that happens, where even core beliefs about what’s good, what’s valuable, and what’s worthy of love can feel up for debate. And that’s okay. It’s part of the process.
In therapy sessions, I work with clients on the delicate nature of this exploration. Together, we navigate the multi-layered process of forming a new identity and figuring out who they are outside of the institutions that shaped them. Religious trauma is complex and personal, but here are a few places to start:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Question
Leaving behind a rigid religious upbringing can evoke deep emotional responses, including guilt, fear, or even shame for questioning long-held beliefs. This is especially true for individuals who were taught that questioning was synonymous with sin or rebellion. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings without judgment, recognizing that they are a product of years of conditioning. You are not failing because you have doubts. You are growing.
Experts like Marlene Winell, who coined the term "Religious Trauma Syndrome," emphasize how high-control religions often use guilt and fear to maintain compliance, making it hard to break free emotionally even after you’ve left physically. Start by permitting yourself to question these deeply ingrained beliefs.
Engage in this process slowly and with grace, knowing that retraining your mind to accept that it's okay to ask questions takes time. Journaling, talking with a trusted friend, or working through your thoughts with a therapist can be valuable tools in safely exploring these new ideas.
2. Rediscover (or Discover for the First Time) Your Passions and Interests
In high-control religious environments, interests and hobbies are often predetermined for you—or, at the very least, heavily regulated. You may have been taught that certain activities were inherently wrong or unworthy of your time. This can make it hard to even know what you like. Exploring new interests can be both exciting and daunting because for many people, they have never been given the space to ask, “What do I enjoy?”
Start small by experimenting with hobbies or activities that have always intrigued you, but which you may not have been allowed to pursue. It might be playing an instrument, reading certain books, or even engaging with art forms that were once considered inappropriate. This stage is as much about self-exploration as it is about self-compassion. If certain activities still feel uncomfortable due to lingering guilt or uncertainty, take time to explore why, without forcing yourself to rush into new identities or interests before you're ready. You are learning not just what you like, but how to choose for yourself for the first time.
3. Seek Professional Support
The process of deconstructing your beliefs and identity is emotionally complex, and it’s natural to feel overwhelmed or uncertain. You don’t have to go through it alone. Seeking professional support from therapists who specialize in religious trauma or identity formation can offer much-needed guidance tailored to your experience. They can help you untangle the emotional and psychological threads of your past, giving you tools to create new mental frameworks.
For those looking for additional resources, books and podcasts focused on religious trauma and deconstruction can also be helpful. One highly recommended voice in this space is Nate Postlethwait, who shares his journey through religious trauma on social media and in podcasts. His insights, along with community support from others with similar experiences, can be a source of solidarity and comfort.
It’s also worth noting that C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) can manifest in individuals who have experienced prolonged control, such as in high-demand religious environments. If you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered or caught in patterns of fear and shame, understanding that these reactions are deeply rooted in your past can bring immense relief. Therapy, especially trauma-informed approaches, can help you process these reactions without judgment.
4. Grief Will Likely Arise
Grieving is an often overlooked but significant part of recovering from religious trauma. While you may feel relief and freedom in breaking away, there’s also a loss that comes with letting go of what shaped you, even if those systems were harmful. It’s normal to grieve not only the past, but the future you once envisioned, the relationships you have lost, or the stability that your former beliefs may have provided.
Grief might surface in surprising ways: longing for a sense of community, sadness over family ties severed by differing beliefs, or even mourning the loss of certainty that your previous worldview provided. You may also grieve parts of yourself you feel you’ve missed out on—whether that’s exploring potential careers, forming relationships, or engaging in experiences that were deemed “off-limits.” Allow yourself to feel that grief, recognizing that it’s part of healing and growth. Give yourself permission to mourn the loss of certainty, even as you embrace the unknown.
5. Rebuild Your Sense of Safety and Self-Trust
One of the most profound losses people experience after leaving a high-control religious environment is a sense of safety. Trusting yourself can feel foreign when you’ve been conditioned to rely on external authorities for every decision. Rebuilding this trust takes time.
Start by affirming the small decisions you make every day, even if they seem insignificant. Trusting yourself to decide what you want for dinner or how you want to spend your free time can be the first steps in reclaiming autonomy. Therapy can help you develop a healthy inner dialogue that replaces the harsh, critical voice with one that is nurturing and affirming. You are learning to be your own authority, which is both empowering and liberating.
Breaking free from a high-control religious upbringing is one of the most courageous things a person can do. It requires not only the willingness to question long-held beliefs but also to confront the emotional wounds and fears that arise along the way. But with time, space, and support, it’s possible to emerge with a stronger sense of self—one that reflects your deepest truths and desires.
Remember, you get to define your future. You are more than the sum of your past experiences, and you have the power to create a life that resonates with who you truly are.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support in processing your own experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can help bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC(VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC
For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone)
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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