If you’ve ever found yourself swept up in the early excitement of a new relationship, then you know the feeling of seeing your partner through a lens that’s almost too good to be true. It can start innocently enough: you’re drawn to their kindness, their sense of humor, or the way they navigate a crowded room with such ease. But before long, you’re noticing how they fold their napkin just so, or how their voice lifts slightly when they say your name. Suddenly, they aren’t just a person you like—they’re the person who seems, in that moment, to be everything you’ve ever wanted. You catch yourself thinking, “This might be it. I’ve found the perfect match.”
This early stage of idealization is often fueled by something the researcher Dorothy Tennov termed “limerence,” a state of infatuation where emotions run high, dopamine floods the brain, and the loved one seems almost flawless. It’s not uncommon—in fact, many psychologists consider it a fairly universal human experience. This phase can bring a sense of euphoria, a daydream-like quality to your time together. However, the very intensity that makes it feel magical can also set the stage for disappointment and heartache.
The Hidden Costs of the Pedestal
When you place someone on a pedestal, you’re casting them in a role that no human can sustain indefinitely. In those early days, it’s easy to brush off any subtle signs of imperfection. You might consciously or unconsciously ignore the small mismatches—maybe the two of you have different communication styles, or one of you prefers quiet evenings while the other loves a bustling social calendar. In the moment, these differences might feel like mere footnotes compared to the grand narrative you’ve built up in your mind.
But as time moves forward, the rose-tinted glasses start to slip. The partner who once seemed so perfect might forget something important to you, express an opinion you strongly disagree with, or fail to comfort you in the way you hoped. Gradually, tiny cracks can appear in that carefully curated image. When the person on the pedestal inevitably stumbles—and they will, because they’re human—the fall can feel catastrophic. The disappointment isn’t just about a single event; it’s the collapse of a fragile illusion. Both people can feel hurt: the one who idealized may feel betrayed, while the one who was idealized may sense pressure or resentment at not measuring up to impossible standards.
The Larger Context: The Arc of Relationship Development
It’s helpful to consider these highs and lows within the framework of how relationships typically evolve. Many relationship researchers, including John Gottman and colleagues at The Gottman Institute, describe a trajectory of romantic partnerships that often includes three broad phases:
Romantic Infatuation (Limerence): This is the honeymoon stage—high passion, a sense of wonder, and often a push to overlook differences. Partners feel compelled to show their best selves and see the best in each other. While not inherently unhealthy, this phase can foster unrealistic expectations if we assume this intensity and idealization will last forever.
Adjustment and Reality-Testing: After the initial glow fades, everyday life begins to set in. Conflicts emerge, differences become clearer, and the depth of each person’s humanity reveals itself. This stage can feel like a letdown if we’re unprepared. However, it’s actually a crucial step where partners learn what the relationship looks like outside the high of idealization.
Authentic Connection and Mature Love: Over time, if both individuals remain committed to understanding each other’s perspectives, negotiating differences, and growing together, the relationship can settle into a more stable, secure place. Mature love recognizes that no one is perfect. Instead, it values honesty, trust, mutual respect, and the willingness to show up even when the other person is flawed, messy, or struggling.
Stepping Away from the Pedestal
How do we move from the crash of unrealistic expectations into a steadier, more authentic connection? It can help to start by acknowledging that disappointment is a natural byproduct of expecting perfection. Feeling let down doesn’t mean the relationship was doomed; it’s simply a reminder that both people are human, existing in a world where everyone has needs, wounds, and complexities.
Get Curious, Not Critical: When your partner behaves in a way that challenges your perfect image of them, consider slowing down and asking yourself: “What might they be feeling right now?” or “What part of their history or stressors could be playing a role here?” Curiosity can transform the sting of disappointment into an opportunity for empathy and understanding. Rather than assuming you’ve been deceived or misled, you might discover that they’re navigating their own vulnerabilities.
Name the Expectations: If you notice yourself feeling hurt or resentful, it might help to identify the expectations you were holding—were you hoping they’d always understand you instantly, never get frustrated, or mirror your emotions perfectly? None of those expectations are “bad,” but holding them silently can create ongoing tension. Voicing them, even if just in a journal, can help you see what’s been contributing to your disappointment.
Make Room for Both Strengths and Shortcomings: Authentic connection thrives when we allow ourselves and our partners to be fully human. That doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior, but it does mean recognizing that everyone slips up, everyone has quirks, and everyone grows at their own pace. The truest form of intimacy often emerges when both of you feel safe enough to show up as yourselves—warts and all.
Recognizing and Responding to Emotional Complexity
The shift away from idealization also involves coming to terms with the complexity of emotions in a relationship. Research in attachment theory suggests that secure bonds form not from constant perfection but from consistent efforts to understand and respond to each other’s emotional needs. This might mean learning to say, “I’m feeling unsure about something between us—could we talk about it?” Instead of running from discomfort or feeling ashamed when you see your partner’s imperfections, it can help to lean in gently. Naming these moments openly can alleviate the pressure and bring more honesty into your connection.
Finding Stable Ground Beyond the Illusion
It’s important to hold onto hope here: just because the pedestal has cracked doesn’t mean the relationship is beyond repair. In fact, some couples report feeling more connected than ever once they shed the pressure of perfection. The fall from the pedestal can become a turning point—an invitation to create a partnership grounded not in fantasy, but in truth, understanding, and mutual care.
By allowing your partner to be real, you’re also freeing yourself. You’re no longer obligated to protect an illusion. You can come to the table with your own vulnerabilities, knowing that authenticity fosters trust and closeness. You might find relief in the realization that neither of you has to be perfect. Instead, you can be two people doing your best to learn each other’s rhythms, extend compassion when disappointments arise, and continually choose to show up for the relationship even when it’s not picture-perfect.
Embracing a New Kind of Beauty in Connection
Ultimately, stepping away from perfection doesn’t mean settling for less. It means discovering a deeper, richer kind of love, one that celebrates human imperfection and thrives on mutual respect. By moving through the initial stages of idealization and entering into a more grounded and honest partnership, you create space for genuine intimacy. You allow for growth, resilience, and the quiet beauty that comes from building a life together where both people can be fully seen and loved as they truly are.
If this topic resonates with you or you'd like support in processing your own experiences, I'm here to help. Whether it's this topic or something else on your mind, feel free to reach out. Sometimes talking things through with a professional can bring clarity and healing.
Sarahbeth Spasojevich, Resident in Counseling, MEd, MA, MBA, NCC (VA-0704015620)
Connected Resilience, LLC For scheduling: (804) 220-0388 (text/phone) sarahbeth@connectedresilience.us www.connectedresilience.us
Under clinical supervision with Megan McCutcheon, LPC, PMH-C (VA-0701005482)
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